An Echo for More

An Echo for More

I see it just sitting
there… a feast for the senses.  So I take
it in. 

I’ve been feeling so
numb, so tasteless, for far too long.  So
I take it in.

It comforts me… makes
me feel good.  So I take it in. 

Even it’s aroma is
enough to bring me to my knees.  So I
take it in. 

It takes like
everything I’ve ever wanted.  So I take
it in.

I swallow it all
down.  And take some more in.  Then swallow some more.

The taste washes over
me like a sprinkler on a dry lawn during a drought. 

Comfort.

Feelings.

Life.

And suddenly it all
settles in my stomach.  A new feeling
comes on… the feeling of being full.  But
along with this feeling comes another wave washing over me but this time like a
flash flood.  I realize what this
fullness will do.  It will change
me.  These tastes will digest and become
a part of me… it will take upon a physical state of being within my being. 

Questions bombard me.

Will I like this
change?

Will the change hurt?

Will the change
separate me from those I love?

Will I be different
from them?

Will they still like
me?

I don’t like the
answers.

I know the change is
good but I don’t like the consequences. 
I won’t fit in. 

So I purge.  I purge as much as I can.

It doesn’t taste
nearly as nice now coming out as it did coming in.  But it must come out.

A part of me screams
to stop but I don’t.  I let it all out.

It leaves me empty
once again with a bitter taste in my mouth.

But at least I remain
unchanged.  Sill loved by the world… my
world.

And then I hear the
fierce yet gentle echo inside of me cry out in its emptiness.

I’ve been in this
place before.  And I know it won’t be the
last time…

            What I’ve
just described for you is a state I’ve been in many times.  I’ve known others who have also been there…
but it’s not because they’ve told me.  This
is something we are afraid to talk about out loud.  And we don’t want to admit it to ourselves,
never mind anybody else.  We want and
need help but considering the problem started with our pride, our pride once
again prevents us from getting the help that we so desperately crave.  We are in the state of Bulimia.  Now before you drop your jaw hear me
out.  I am not speaking of the Bulimia
that you might be thinking of.  The
Bulimia I speak of is beyond the physical body… I am speaking of the Bulimic
state of the soul.  You may now drop your
jaw.

            This past
week has been quite challenging.  As I
wrote about earlier, my team and I have been undergoing preparation for
ministering to the people of Kenya,
and anyone else God brings our way.  We
have been challenged to sit down and thing about where we are with God.  And taking on this challenge I’ve come to
realize that my relationship with Him has not been an altogether healthy
one. 

            It’s been
quite rare for me to have a consistently daily quiet time with God.  When I say quite time I mean actually taking
a moment out of my day and talking to Him and hearing what His Word has to say
(the Bible).  In this whole analogy thing
I consider God’s Word to be the food.  Now
in the ideal world I would eat daily. 
Not too much but just enough that I could digest and put to good
use.  I would read God’s Word daily, a
large enough portion that would challenge or awaken a part in me… and then as I
continued to meditate on it throughout the day it would bring about a change in
the way I acted or chose not to act. 

But this ideal relationship has not
been reality for me.  I have binged on
God, if you want to call it that.  I have
had moments where I am so empty spiritually and long for God.  So I try everything I can to get back to Him…
as fast as I can.  I get excited about
His words and even start putting them into practice.  But for some reason this is always short
lived.  I realize quickly that it
involves a lot more effort… a lot more change. 
And change is a scary thing.  You
lose control.  And you no longer have the
strength to keep up with this whole “Christianity” thing.  You get burnt out.  So you fall back into your old ways.  You reject all the things God has been
teaching you…not because you don’t like them or Him but because it’s a hard
thing to digest.  It’s easy to believe it
but it’s hard to do it.

Now you might be thinking, “What
did you do to overcome this Katie?”  But
honestly I am still in the state of recovery. 
I have not fully overcome this. 
But I will tell you this… I am trying. 
And not on my own either. 
Willpower alone is not enough to overcome this.  Trying on my own means I’m going to fall back
over and over again.  I am going to have
to humble myself and allow others to teach me.  I’m going to have to let them have some
control and hold me accountable. 

I plead with you (as corny as that
sounds) to remind me when I am not giving God his rightful place in my life;
when I’m putting me first.  Remind me to
think about what He’s been teaching me. 
Ask me what He’s teaching me so I remember.  Because the echo inside of me screams for
more…more of Christ and less of me.  And
yet I still silence those screams by talking or filling my time with doing
things rather than being for Christ.